The One About Questions i'd Like to Ask my Cat
August 25, 2004

hi kids,

i've lived with this cat for 8 years. there's a few questions i'd like to ask it.

Question: so i know i named you Toonces. and that sometimes i call you Toonces Whorecat, Toonce, Tooncer, Tooncerino, Tooncenhiemer, Rooty-Toot-Toonces, Pretty Princess Kitty, and D.C. but i guess i'd like to know, what is your name anyway?

is it a cat word?

can your real name only be uttered with cat throat/vocal chords?

does it have a cool english translation?

Question: do you remember when you first came to mom and dad's house? remember how you were all skinny and you were wearing a purple flea collar? and remember how you wouldn't leave our porch?
where the hell did you come from?

are you like that outer-space kitty from that old Disney movie*?

*i think i've got the wrong movie here. but for some reason i thought there was a cat in that movie. a black cat. with a weird collar? but those kids (tony and tia! oh my god! do you remember that?! talk about blast from the asinine past!) are the kids i was thinking of, just you know, where's the cat? have i mixed up two movies**? somebody help me or i may never sleep again!

**and i'm not thinking of the cat from that other old Disney movie (hey, there was a Finlayson in that movie!). which was like, one of my favorite movies in the whole world. i even read the book i liked it so much. and then they remade it you know? starring alex keaton and sybil. and it sucked because, hey, the animals aren't supposed to talk, okay? and? they renamed the animals? hello? chance, sassy and shadow? please! the REAL names are Luath, Tao (the siamese cat, right?) and Bodger. Bodger! the perfect dog name! you don't mess with perfection! morons! the lot of you!

Question: when you suddenly stare at the curtains and then turn your head quickly and stare at the door and then back to the curtains, are you actually looking at something? or are you just messin' with me?

Question: this is a pretty tough question to ask. i'm just gonna put it out there and let you answer and if we need to discuss anything after that then when we can, okay? just know that i love you no matter what.
are you gay?

Question: because sometimes you act all gay. yes you do. i don't know about Cat World but in Human World when another female is preoccupied with another female's breasts and bottom well...that's kinda gay.

look, if you want to experiment that's fine with me. but you can't use me to experiment with okay? yes, i still love you, and yes, i'll still feed and water you and give you a clean box to shit in, but you may not nestle in my ass crack when i'm trying to sleep. or any other time, really. understand?

Question: when i pet your head, why do you drool and rub your teeth on me? is that a normal Cat Thing? what's with the teeth? i've heard of purring and the whole "making biscuits" thing, but drool and teeth?

are you somewhat retarded?

Question: i've heard that male cats have spiny things on their reproductive bits and that's why cats make that unholy sound when they have Catfightsex.
is that true?

is that why you're gay?

Question: when you killed that full-size, mature, adult squirrel the other day, what the hell were you thinking? don't you know those things are nasty? they carry diseases? what, am i not feeding you enough? those tasty seafood flavored bits of kibble not good enough? not gorey enough?
fine.
but promise me you'll not take on a raccoon, okay? of any age. i mean it. promise?
good.

Question: hey remember last week when i had a laundry basket full of clean clothes that had been neatly folded and were ready to be put away, and you shat on them? what the hell was that all about?

were you trying to tell me something?

do you know how close to death you came? you know how country folk break the necks of chickens? they snatch them up by the heads and give a flick of the wrist? do you know that was my first thought after finding the "treasure" you left for me?

Question: so just how many hours a day do you sleep anyway, you know, when you're not killing squirrels and shitting in my laundry?

yeah, i know that was last week and...huh? oh. yeah. sure, i'll forgive you when you start acting REPENTANT! i KNOW you defecated on my CLEAN CLOTHES because you were MAD ABOUT SOMETHING. what, is this about the litter box? because you never needed a damn litter box before, so how the hell was I TO KNOW YOU'D WANT ONE NOW? HUH? 8 YEARS AND NO LITTER BOX AND NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M SUPPOSED TO READ YOUR QUEER CAT MIND?! ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT YOU'D RATHER CRAP IN A BOX OF DIRT RATHER THAN OUTSIDE, YOU KNOW, OUTSIDE WHERE YOU'VE ALWAYS GONE TO RELIEVE YOURSELF BEFORE?! yeah, well i can't read your mind. i'm not part of the Cat Collective. so next time (and there better not be a next time) you need to tell me something, how about not shitting in the house (especially on my clean clothes) because listen sister, i'm not about to scry your turds for answers, got it? next time you write a note.

Question: how did you even hear about litter boxes anyway? did laura's cat, Satine, tell you about them? hmm?

what else did she tell you about?

did she tell you that smoking is cool? hm? kitty smoking is cool? little kitties with little stoags and little matches? is that cool? hm? is hacking up a little kitty lung cool too? do you think kitty lung butter is cool? is that funny? you think that's funny? i'll tell you what's funny! when you're attached to a little kitty iron lung and all your kitty friends are outside playing and you're all sad and lonely 'cos you can't run and play and kill squirrels..that's what's gonna be funny.

and? what else is funny? i can't afford a kitty iron lung, so remember those psycho country folk with the twisty chicken neck breaking? that's what's gonna happen if i catch you smoking.

Question: what else has Satine told you? 'fess up. is she dealing? are you two shooting H? is that what goes on under the house? is that what you two are doing under there? is there some kind of Kitty Opium Den (KOD) operating under my house? is that why you sleep all day and night?

Question: when you're outside by the door, and you meow and meow because you want inside, and i open the door, why do you act like i'm the crazy one for opening the door? why do you sit there and act all, "okay, well i guess i could come inside. i suppose i could bless you with my presence for a while. ho hum. and yeah, there's food and water in there. a nice soft bed. okay. yeah. i'll come inside. sure. one step. two step. wait. maybe i'll sit here for a second before i go inside. why is she yelling? what is her problem anyway? she is strung way too tight. alright i'm coming, i'm coming. don't blow a gasket yet, chief." instead of coming straight inside the house? why do you have to drive me crazy with that? do you think i like standing there in my crazy hair, t-shirt, shorts and mix-matched sleep socks there for the whole neighborhood to see? you think i have all the time in the world to stand there and wait on your decsion making? like i'm made of money and can afford to let all the precious AC out of the door? can i get a little help here?

how about next time you show me some hustle?

Question: what would you do if i shat in your litter box?

would that freak you out?

would you know it was me? or would you explore around the house looking for some other cat?

Question: remember how you used to live with mom and dad? for 8 years? well now when dad comes over to visit, why do you run away from him like his head is on fire and he's gonna kill you?

Question: you do know you're a cat, right?

next week's epitomb: Metroid Prime is ruining my life.

jaimie "scrying the turds? where did that come from?" pickle