The One About Christmas vol.III is.IV
December 5, 2002

hi kiddos!

congrats to mere and josh on the birth of their second wee fleegan, Sophia. So-Feeeeeeee-Yah!

it's decemember and you know what that means! christmas-themed weekleez!

this week's ultra-mega-ultra christmas themed weekly is all about one of those wonderful, high-spirited and all around delightful christmas songs. christmas carols are just one of the ways we psych ourselves up for the holidays (booze being the other). there's nothing like a spirited song to get our emotions and our attitudes in the right mood for the season! well, they used to anyway. now christmas songs are poured out of shopping center speakers before thanksgiving just to get us all ready for the mood. the mood to spend money that is!

i know what you're thinking, "gosh jaimie, that's a cynical way to put it!"
i know, but the truth is i love christmas songs. love 'em. and since i love those terribly outdated, overplayed christmas songs i'm allowed to make fun of them!

you're probably wondering which beloved christmas tune i'm gonna rip to shreds. will it be Do You Hear What I Hear? or what i like to call Do You Hear What That Crazy Freak Andy Williams Hears? everytime i hear that song i visualize a man having a psychotic episode. i mean, he's hearing things, seeing things, and he's talking to barnyard animals. PCP and livestock, that's what christmas means to me.
but no, that's not the wonderful christmas carol i planned on sharing with you.

will it be that horribly sad carol, I'll Be Home For Christmas? where a guy promises that he'll be home for christmas and we can count on him? and at the end he kind of adds, "if only in my dreams" meaning, "hey, i won't actually be home for christmas for whatever reason be it war, plague, famine etc. but i'll think about being home for christmas. hey, you can count on me." nah, i won't talk about that one.

so which one is it gonna be, jaimie?
it's the all-time favorite, the classic, the timeless, the i've-run-out-of-adjectives:

Snoopy's Christmas
by: The Royal Gaurdsmen

O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
Du kannst mir sehr gefallen!

The news had come out in the First World War
The bloody Red Baron was flying once more
The Allied command ignored all of its men
And called on Snoopy to do it again.

Was the night before Christmas, 40 below
When Snoopy went up in search of his foe
He spied the Red Baron, fiercely they fought
With ice on his wings Snoopy knew he was caught.

Christmas bells those Christmas bells
Ring out from the land
Asking peace of all the world
And good will to man

The Baron had Snoopy dead in his sights
He reached for the trigger to pull it up tight
Why he didn't shoot, well, we'll never know
Or was it the bells from the village below.

Christmas bells those Christmas bells
Ringing through the land
Bringing peace to all the world
And good will to man

The Baron made Snoopy fly to the Rhine
And forced him to land behind the enemy lines
Snoopy was certain that this was the end
When the Baron cried out, "Merry Christmas, my friend"

The Baron then offered a holiday toast
And Snoopy, our hero, saluted his host
And then with a roar they were both on their way
Each knowing they'd meet on some other day.

Christmas bells those Christmas bells
Ringing through the land
Bringing peace to all the world
And good will to man

the royal guardsman were neither royal, nor guardsmen, nor were they even british. but in 1967 this florida garage band had a modicum of fame (and by modicum i mean 19 minutes, which is far more than their share) with this wonderful christmas hit. and by wonderful i mean drug induced.

this christmas song has it all: snoopy, christmas bells, german world war one flying ace baron von richthofen and good will toward men. but i mean, what christmas song doesn't have these essential christmastime qualities?

anyway i did some "research" and found that this was not the RG's only snoopy song. the first being the 1966 uber-hit Snoopy vs the Red Baron which was quickly followed by the mega-hit The Return of the Red Baron. and it was only after that that the geniuses thought that a christmas song was in order. lucky us.

and then in 1968 the morons tried their "snoopy luck" for the 4th time with Snoopy for President (no lie) to which the rest of the world replied with, "look, we get it. it's snoopy. you're a novelty band, you have a gimmick and i swear to god if you make another snoopy song we're gonna beat the crap outta ya and break your instruments."

but in 1969 they came out with The Smallest Astronaut where snoopy is shot into outerspace to throw off the russians from the space race. that's when the world finally broke their instruments. i mean sheesh, john birch society much?
i mean, c'mon! this is snoopy! he's Joe Cool! since when has Joe Cool been about pro-establishment propaganda?

i mean, sure i get that snoopy's character out of the whole Peanut's Gang was more of a heightened conscience while the actual "human" "kids" like Peppermint Patty and Charlie "chuck" Brown were more philosophically social characters. i mean you have Schroder representing the arts. Peppermint Patty was the hippie and Marcy was her "partner". Lucy was an alarmist. Linus had a dependency problem. Franklin was the token black kid. Pug Pen was poor. Charlie Brown was the fatalist as well as the manager for the baseball team. Sally was the pain in the neck little sister.
see, i get all that. i mean, i even understand the kite-eating tree.

what i don't get is why snoopy is flying a sopwith camel biplane, and by sopwith camel i mean red dog house, in germany to shoot down baron von richthofen in a war that had been over for 40 or 50 years. and what further confuses me is why, when ace richthofen has snoopy in his sights he does not fire but instead wishes him a merry christmas.

so like, was everyone on drugs in the '60s?
dan noojin seems to think so! when dan has his acid flashbacks he sees links!

prof.zim.FA is the only one who sends me links anymore. and boy does he have some good stuff this week!

http://www.legodeath.com/ which took a bit to load so i didn't wait for it but my boss was listening to it so it must not have been too bad, but it may contain content that you might not want to have on your computer at work.
http://www.mantasoft.co.uk/_stuff/Recursive.htm and this one. i thought it was really neat.
and this one http://www.cnn.com/2002/SHOWBIZ/TV/12/02/television.joe.reut/index.html is a must read. also, i hate TV.
a chick with big knockers http://www.talesofbalboa.com/cover/potpourriphotos/ChickWithBigKnockers1.jpg
and a girl with a james bond chick name http://charlotte49ers.ocsn.com/sports/w-baskbl/mtt/mandic_ivana00.html?id=0

next week's christmas themed epitomb: Happy Holidays from Apartment 313!!